VD TOM's GUIDE TO:
ANIMALS, INSECTS AND PETS.*

*(this is totally non sexual, thank God)

Well. Where to start? We've all had the family pets that have so ungratefully died on us after we cared so much for them. I had a cat when I was aged 4, that got run over by the time I was age 6. I had two fish after that. Lived for two years but one had one of those stupid looking massive eyes and it looked really thick. I didn't even care when they both died. Then I had two gerbils, that lived for 3 years, then died. Then two Russian hamsters. This was a cruel and vicious death, I came back from holiday to discover one had eaten the other and it sat there with a massive hamster grin on its fat face while I burst into tears because my Russian hamster had ate the other one. AND they were brothers, the toothless pet shop had insisted.

What did I gain from this? I learnt that animals are selfish. They don't give a shit about you. You feed them, stroke them, change their cage and even grow to LIKE them, and they die. Imagine this -

You have a best mate. You're really nice to him, you feed him, you stroke him, change his cage, (or tidy his room if you don't like my pitiful, lazy, analogy), you two share fun times going to see films, and playing computer games. He is giving you friendship back. You're both having the time of your life. All of a sudden, during a computer game whilst you are both having said time of your life, he stops playing. You stop playing. You begin to wonder what's changed, what's happened? You were both enjoying yourselves so much.
He begins hissing at you, walks up to you and bites you. After you stop screaming you look over to his face and he is foaming at the mouth. What's that? Rabies?
It's not all fun and games any more, is it?

Is that fun? Who enjoys a rabid pet? What's with sadistic pet owners? I have choked on mushrooms twice, so I don't eat them any more. I found my pets dying to be a less than enjoyable experience. So why have a pet?

Here's a basic run down of pets -

Cats - They hate you. They'd kill you, rape your family and steal your money if they could. Evil, evil creatures. However kittens would be ok if you could genetically inject them so they'd stay small and nice forever. But if it went wrong and they'd turn into human size, well... they would kill everyone

Dogs - So pointless. Who wants a slobbering fat mound of fur to lick you after it's just licked its own, or some other slobbering dogs arse? 'ooh its licking the kid, how cuuute?' NO! It's disgusting, unhygienic and fucking horrible. If an old women talks to herself she's mad, if she talks to a dog, she's not. Make sense? No. Go out to walk a dog. 'Walk a dog'. Say this phrase over and over. Is this natural? Think about it. The concept of 'walking the dog' is wholly disturbing.

Insects - If you're going to own a pet, own a pet. Don't buy a fucking stick insect. It's not a pet, for the love of god, buy a horse, an elephant, something substantial. Who wants to come round your house, be introduced to 'my new best friend' and your mate brings out a stick insect on his arm. You'd want to smack him, you really would.
How about spiders? You want to keep spiders, the most creepy horrible insects known to man? How lovely, the more dangerous the better I hear you say? How about dead? Oh THAT'S worthwhile isn't it. Keeping dead spiders is like keeping disused mines, they never did any good and they're just serving to scare people even though they're no longer alive.

Birds - Ugly, ugly creatures. I used to be stalked by a raven (ask RODNeY, he was there) and I used to get woken up by birds against my window. So I'd get up, open the window cos they CLEARLY wanted to get in, and did they? NO! The smelly disgusting carriers of disease flew off to shit on a car and poke a woman's eyes out.
What's the deal with people who own birds as pets? The owner's biggest achievement is when it squawks and the owner thinks it can communicate. Can it? Can it really? I would love to see it have a discussion with a stick insect.

NOW BEHOLD... THE WORST LIVING CREATURE ON THIS PLANET -

WASPS.
Who likes wasps? I am willing to bet not one person on the planet LIKES wasps. Heres my story of a wasp.
I am enjoying a nice cool drink of coke under the clear summer sky, sunbathing and listening to music. I am harming no one. Then mean old Mr.Angry Wasp flies down. It appears to be buzzing around my coke. I shoo it away, it comes back. 'Hmm how odd, if you get rid of something and it comes back it must want something'. I decide it's the coke it wants. This is after it eventually flies into the glass (its really stupid and it takes it half an hour to do it). Once it is in I put a CD case on top of the coke. It cant hover forever. It drops into the coke, and slowly starts to drown. Not painful enough, it would seem, its still alive and is looking at me through the glass. So with a masterful stroke of genius I decide to put the CD case on the middle of its body. Its cut in half. It cant sting me any more, can it? Little fucker. I drop it back into the coke uttering the words 'you wanted the coke? You got it.' And I felt great. My hatred for wasps dates back to when I was 6 and I got stung by one while in Holland. I was SIX for gods sake. I didn't anger the wasp, I did nothing. But it stang me. Now bees rule. I used to stroke bees, I like them a lot. But wasps, well. If I see a wasp while im playing table tennis I'll hit it (it makes a satifsying 'thwock') and if one is on the ground I'll go out of my way to stamp on it. If I see one dying I laugh. Wasps SUCK.


However some animals are just downright cool, and I can allow myself to get all girly when I see:
Meerkats
Lions, Tigers, any kind of BIG cat.
A kitten
Wolves, cos they are ace
Bears
Komodo dragon - it's a dragon! It MUST kick ass.
I wouldn't say no to owning a bush baby either.


So yes, there are exceptions but still... some people hate black people, some hate disabled people.. At least I only hate certain animals. And no I don't torture or even think about hurting any animal other than a wasp, and yes I think fox hunting is barbaric and horrible. But really...wasps? Pets? Don't even think about it. Buy a PS2.