VD TOMS GUIDE TO THE UK AND UK GIRLS.

Seeing as this is the first VD philosophy page I should explain a bit about it. It's a page which a VD member writes on a topic of his choice. It doesn't have to be a philosophy, it's just something to read and enjoy. Okay, now that's done, here's my introductory one. Enjoy or at least pretend to.

VD have done four UK tours as such. One with 'A' and Rival Schools which we did after we had done four gigs as a band, one with Ill Nino which was pretty short, another short one with Suicidal Tendencies, and one by ourselves - a headlining tour. In this time, VD and I have experienced most of the UK and the standard of their most important feature - the LAYDEEZ!

In my Guide, I will detail the best and worst things about each place and the standard of girls at each. This merely is my opinion, although as I am a thoroughly great guy and amazingly perceptive this might as well be fact. Read and absorb for whenever you visit these places. I have left MANY out because this is already mind numbingly boring as it is.

Bedford - Played with some Ska and Punk bands who all had attitude problems. Place was dead aside from a fantastic fish and chip shop. One nice girl outside the venue. That was Rodney's girlfriend. Oh well.

Bradford - Got drunk before we played and ended up doing a 15 minute encore of requests playing Emo songs, dance, pop, country, funk and hardcore songs. All piss take style of course. Nothing to say about Bradford, very ordinary place.

Cardiff - I love Wales. My last three girlfriends have all been Welsh. I love sheep, I love the funny accents and I love the girls. Amazing. The Cardiff Barfly has a pretty decent club night afterwards too. We all got wasted.

Colchester - the most boring place on the planet. The venue however is stunning. Amazing structure, like a church type place, great people there too. I like Chelmsford and cannot wait to play there next.

Exeter - Played a great school gig there (ahem), and have a fair fans there so I like it. Girls all appear to be 14.

Glasgow - Big Al is the guy who looks after us there and he is a quality geezer. Guaranteed awesome rider with shitloads of great food and always makes us feel happy. Never really seen any gorgeous girls at this place but they're all ok. People are brilliant. I like Scotland a lot, except for the tube system near Glasgow - resembles the entrance to Hell.

Portsmouth - I also love Portsmouth. The girls here are great, really friendly and when we played with 'A' I have to say almost every one of them needed a good boning. Even the guys are pretty fit. (or so McBen tells me) Met some genuinely nice people, the town is great; we can play footie near the beach and also CRAZY GOLF! It was so crazy me and Rodney had to stop playing because we couldn't take the cRaZyInEsS.

Newcastle - The centre of the universe. Newcastle is a fucking awesome, two of the best VD gigs ever have been at this place, my favourite gig of the tours. Great atmosphere, amazing people, the girls are up for anything although I wouldn't do anything, they are rather nice.

London - Has been mixed. Another one of my favourite gigs, at the Astoria with 'A' (mainly because of the prestige) was tainted by some twats at the front. As is most London gigs, although the one at tower records was most definitely a triumph and the girls... I don't really like them.

Wolverhampton - Doesn't need girls, it has Tom Calverly! The worlds biggest VD fan (if there is someone crazier about VD then email me!) and he gives us all the loving we would ever need. Got naked last time in Wolverhampton, will do so again (well Rodney will) and am beginning to like it even though with 'A' some bastard stole my hat. Fucking AMAZING KFC. Greatest chicken ever.

Thus ends my VD philosophy. The amazing thing is, this isn't a philosophy. I only mentioned major places and failed to mention Nottingham Rock City because I cannot think of one thing good about it, ( I can, but I must hate somewhere) - I am assured we will be playing to a good crowd next time. We had better.

Next Time - RODNeY talks on his subject of choice. I promise it will be funnier then mine but I also promise it will be strewn with god awful grammar and spelling and also bad jokes about vegetarians, Manchester United and Hardcore music.